Snootch to the Buffy
by IdiotManchild
Summary: My first fic, so if you review, be kind or at least constructive. Jay and Silent Bob go to Sunnydale to see if there is better business there.
1. Default Chapter

"I got a good feelin' about this shit, Lunchbox." Jay said. It was night as he and his hetero life mate Silent Bob stepped from a bus at the station. "This town is fresh, I can feel it. We can make us some mad drug money here, boy! Probably get some fine-assed bitches, too. And no fuckin' restraining orders against us from no fuckin' gay-assed clerks, neither!" Silent Bob enthusiastically nodded. "What's this town called again?" Jay asked. Silent Bob pulled out a map of California and pointed to a spot. "Oh yeah. Sunnydale. All we gotta do is find a place where we can get some business. Fuckin' a high-traffic area. Now let's see." Jay began looking around for a place to start poisoning the minds of Sunnydale's youths. Silent Bob pointed out a town map that was on the wall of the bus station terminal. When they had approached the map, Jay put his finger on a street corner that was near the edge of town. "That looks good right there. Let's go, Limpdick!" they exited the terminal and began making their way to the spot Jay had chosen.  
  
After wandering through various alleys and side streets, the two merry mischief-makers decided to walk through a cemetery as a short cut, which is common of people in Sunnydale. The duo had gone about half way through the dark graveyard, when they were surrounded by four silent, dark figures who appeared as if from nowhere. They were all wearing the typical dark, dirt-covered suits that all newly undead, unburied vampires wear. Jay and Silent Bob were of course unaware of who or what these men were. Jay broke the long, eerie silence by asking, "Yo, youse guys wanna buy some weed?" In return to Jay's offer, the four did what all vamps do, which is turning from their pale, human faces to the wrinkled, demon-ish faces that are always used when they were ready to feed. "WAAAH! What the fuck?!" Jay yelled, "Flee, fat-ass, flee!"  
  
They turned to run, but soon found out about the incredible speed that vampires possess, as their way was blocked by the same four who were previously in front of them. "Shit man, what's up with these guys?" Jay said, as Silent Bob gave him a frightened shrug. "The fat one looks good", one of the vamps said to the other. "Good for what?" Jay asked, "Oh shit, Lunchbox, they're gonna make us toss the salad!" "WHAT?!", another one of the demons said, "We're gonna kill you, dumb ass, we're not gay." "Oh, good, man." Jay replied, with great relief in his voice. Silent Bob slapped Jay on the shoulder, reminding him of the fact that they were going to die. "Oh yeah, right," Jay said "Go get 'em Silent Bob!" Silent Bob gave Jay a look as if to say "No fucking way, chucklehead." Jay responded with "You're my muscle, aren't you? Go kick their asses!" "Can we get on with this?" the first vampire said, as the four moved in on Jay and Silent Bob. "Shit, Lunchbox! We're gonna die!" Jay yelled. 


	2. Schnoogans

DISCLAIMER: I forgot to make one of these for the first chapter, sorry. I don't own the Buffy characters, Joss Whedon does, I don't own Jay and Silent Bob, Kevin Smith does. That being said:  
  
The vampires advanced towards Jay and Bob. The two life-long friends backed up slowly, then toppled over backwards after tripping on a headstone. Jay landed first, and Silent Bob fell on top of him, landing with his ass on Jay's face. "Get offa me, you gay bitch!" Jay screamed from underneath Bob. "Wow," one of the vamps said, "Your friend is more concerned about not looking gay than he is his own life." Silent Bob nodded in agreement as he lifted himself off of Jay. One of the vamps reached out and grabbed Jay by the neck, and drew him close, preparing to bite his throat. As the vampire's teeth neared Jay's neck, the demon turned to dust, sending Jay back to the ground. "WHA-OAH! What the fuck?" Jay shouted as he landed. He noticed an attractive blonde girl standing above him. She was holding a wooden stake. The girl kicked another vampire in the side of the head, and the other two rushed her.  
  
From the shadows, a tall, pale man in a black leather trench coat leapt out and tackled one of the 3 vamps who were grappling with the extraordinarily strong girl. Another man, an older guy, ran forward, brandishing a double-edged sword. Jay and Silent Bob watched as the three who had come to their rescue took on the three remaining inhuman fiends. The one in the trench coat exchanged blows with a short, fat vamp. The girl dealt out a few powerful kicks to the monster she was battling, before plunging the stake into its chest, turning it to dust. The old guy dusted his by decapitating it with his sword. The girl then ran over and staked the remaining vamp. Jay and Bob then ran over to congratulate their heroes. "That was so fuckin' awesome!" Jay exclaimed, "That was like, kung-fu style! I woulda come and help out, but this Tubby Bitch was so pissed scared, I didn't wanna leave him." Jay said as he gestured towards Silent Bob.  
  
"I'm sure." The girl said as she brushed some dust from her pantleg. "Are you guys OK?" she inquired. "Us?" Jay replied, "We're fine. Youse guys wanna buy some weed?"  
  
Second chapter finished! To be continued, yo. 


	3. Snootchie Bootchies

DISCLAIMER: Y'know. Don't own the characters, just borrowing them. Ok, I decided that, rather than making this story go in a way that might be possible for either a movie or Buffy script, I'm going to pack it with as many drug, dick and fart jokes as possible, and make it outrageously bad to the point that it's good. Also, in this chapter, I'm actually making the crossover as to where Jay and Bob meet Buffy & crew. I'm eventually going to put all of the characters in it, but for now, just Buffy, Spike, and Giles.  
  
"Youse guys wanna buy some weed?" Jay asked. "No thanks." The girl said. "What were you guys doing in a cemetery?" "What else?" Jay replied, "Tryin' to sell some weed." "I see." The girl said. "What the hell were those guys?" Jay said, looking at the girl. "Some kinda fucked up retards?" Silent Bob held his fingers to his mouth, pointing down, like fangs. "What?" Asked Jay, "They were lesbians?" "No, you lackwit," the man in the trench coat replied. "They were vampires. You didn't figure it out from the fangs and neck biting?" "Shit man," Jay said, "I know some fucked up kinds of people, ok? Maybe I thought it was some kind of gay biting shit. So lay the fuck off, bleach boy." Silent Bob gave Jay a look to remind him that they had just seen the same guy he was insulting kick the shit out of a vampire. "So, vampires, huh?" Jay asked, "And youse guys are like, vampire busters, or some shit?" At this point, they all realized what Silent Bob had known for years. Jay was a dumbass. "And, you're like super strong?" Jay continued, looking at the girl. "Is your whole body like that? Like, ALL of your parts, and shit?" "Ew. Just ew." The girl said, turning away from Jay. "So what's your name?" Jay asked the girl. "Uh, I'm Buffy, this is Giles, and Spike." She said, and pointed to each of the two men. "Buffy, huh?" Jay said. "That's a nice name. You get high, Buffy?" "No, thanks." Buffy replied. "Let's go, guys." She said as she looked at Spike and Giles. They began walking away, and Jay said to Silent Bob, "Shit Lunchbox, that Buffy is TOOFINE! I gotta do something to get with her. She's the hottest damn bitch I ever seen! I got it!" Jay then turned and yelled for them "YO! I need to talk to youse guys!" Jay and Bob then ran up to them. "Ok," Jay began, "Youse guys like, kick vampires' asses and shit, right? Well, the browneye here" Jay paused and pointed at Silent Bob "and me, we were talkin' and we wanna learn how to bust that shit up, right, Lunchbox?" Silent Bob half-heartedly nodded, just to humor Jay. "What?" Giles said, "You two, I'm afraid not. You see, this is something that. fine young men.like yourselves don't want to be concerned with." "What the fuck are you talking about?" Jay replied, "You think we can't bust up vampires and shit? Me and lunchbox once beat the shit out of these fuckin' evil angels and shit." Obviously exaggerating the truth, he went on, "And this monster made out of shit." "The Golgothan?" Giles asked. "Yeah. The fuckin' Gogatho. I put the hurt on him. All Limpdick did was watch and piss his pants like a baby. So whaddya say? You want us smooth mack daddies around?" "I'm sorry, guys," Buffy said, trying to be kind, "We're not exactly looking for -" "Just a minute Buffy," Giles broke in, "If he's telling the truth about the 'evil angels' and." Giles cleared his throat ".'shit monster', they might actually be of some use to us. I'll explain it to you later." "Shit yeah!" Jay exclaimed. "We're gonna be baddest assed vampire ass kickers ever!"  
  
To be continued. 


End file.
